Sunday, October 3, 2010

"So Miss Me... Send Me Some Light and Love, and Drop it."



Hello there!  Its been at least a few weeks since my last post, and there's simply no excuse for it.  Well, actually there kind of is... I have been rather busy.  Work is killing me, BUT in exchange for all the mental and physical exhaustion, I have reaped some wonderful rewards!  My 1st and 6th grade classes are beginning to understand the "routine" I've set for them this year, and they are responding well to it.  My 1st grade has been behaving better, or perhaps I should say I understand the kind of direction they need better than when I first started.  Anyway, things are looking up in the teaching department, so that's good.  Now if I can only get organized with this whole grading thing... What a fiasco that has been!


As for my every day life, there hasn't been a whole lot going on.  I had one too many drinks last weekend and have decided to take a break from drinking.  There's some news.  Sorry you had to read that, Mom!  The good news is it won't be too hard to cut that activity out of my schedule, as I'm pretty broke (well at least until Friday-- PAY DAY!).


Ohhhhhh pay day... let's discuss, shall we?  The rather exciting thing about pay day is Ms. Katina will be receiving her very first big girl paycheck, which will signify one solid step towards official freedom (aka a set of wheels).  Friday can't come soon enough.  Seriously.  It's hard for me to put into words just how difficult it was for me to go from having a car available to me 24/7 to complete immobility.  Don't get me wrong, I've been walking places, but please keep in mind that it's been almost 100 degrees here every day with 100% humidity.  Not to mention, we just finished up the monsoon season.  You don't want to walk anywhere and get caught in flash floods or blowing rain.  


So, I feel like I should explain the photograph that accompanies this post.  My roommate, our co-worker, and I went to this beautiful neighboring town on Saturday that lies about 45 minutes outside Taichung.  The town is calling "Taiping."  It was a breathtaking ride there as the scenery gradually morphed from big city to small city to small town to factories to tiny vegetable markets to farms to nothing but mountains as far as the eye could see.  There were some parts of the drive that actually reminded me a bit  of India, the drive from the Goan airport to the heart of the endless Goan beaches (minus beaches, sub mountains).  If you haven't driven in such a remote, exotic place, do it.  I have never felt so high on life as when I'm exploring the natural beauty and dichotomy of this part of the world.  The contrast of toothless women lounging on make-shift chairs (or buckets) to luscious palm tree and bamboo forests will force upon you the NatGeo, surrealism of it all.  When I escape the city, I simultaneously check out of reality.  You could tell me I'm dreaming, and I'd probably believe you.  And that's when I say to myself... "I think I like it here."  Or "We're not in Kansas anymore."  I prefer the former, as the latter is a bit overdone, no?


Let me paint a picture for you.  You're coasting up a mountain on a sandy, rocky road that's about 12 feet wide (and occasionally missing large chunks of cement).  Just beyond the edge of the road is the end.  No kidding.  The cliff drops off, well I don't even want to guess, but let's just say you'd be plummeting to your death.  The only thing between you and your possible plummet to death are naturally occurring bamboo shoots that merely obstruct the fantastic view (let's just say if you had to die this way, it would be one fall to "die for").  You almost wish the plants weren't there.  The climb is starting to get steeper and windier.  You're straining your eyes to see around the next hairpin turn when your focus is broken by a "popping" sound.  Your mind and heart are racing to see which can give you a life-threatening condition first, and you begin praying to God or Buddha or Ganesh or Ellen Degeneres that that sound was not coming from your brakes.  And MUCH to your dismay, a car, of all things at a time like this, tears around the corner at an ungodly speed (any speed is ungodly in this scenario) causing you to instinctively flinch.  Your flinch creates a domino effect of sudden movements that jerk your front wheel toward "the end."  Your mind starts playing a montage of prominent memories, ya know, like the way it would before you drove off a cliff or something.......... and just when you think you should not have stepped one foot outside of Kansas, the "deer in the headlights" inside you surrenders to autopilot.  You don't know how or why or where or what but you come out of it, you recover, you straighten out.  You're basic survival instincts are not as deflated as you had thought.  So not only did you renew the faith you have in yourself, but you are once again, coasting up a majestic mountain and kind of enjoying yourself.  Not relaxing though.  Not until your feet are on the ground, of course.    


And that's only up the mountain.  Down is a whole other animal.


So, basically, life is never boring here.  I'm definitely more aware of my mortality than I've ever been, that's for sure... but that's the kind of "shock to the system" I need right now in my life.  Some people don't desire that or seek it, but I know I would have exploded with regret somewhere down the road if I hadn't tested myself.  Road... life is one big road.  "Every road leads us farther from home."  Iron and Wine song?  I think so.  And a good one, at that.  But back to testing myself... I have never felt so scared, so ill-equipped, so capable, and so contradictory in my life.  Every day is a wonderful battle.  I have self-doubts, but I'm in the bullpen rolling my sleeves up.  Because I have to be.  And there it is!  That's it!  The biggest lesson I've learned thus far in my young life, and I figured it out without the help of Ralph Waldo Emerson, but through my own life experiences (and isn't the issue of intellectual property pretty questionable, anyway?):


ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU ARE AFRAID TO DO.


I am downright afraid that that's what my life has come down to these days, but I have also never been this happy with myself in my whole life.  Forget all the things I can't control, like distance and money and an uncertain future.  The me, in this very moment, is all I could hope for for myself.  The strides I've made in the last month and a half astound me.  There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not proud of my accomplishments, however minor they may be.


And isn't that all we ever want, just to be proud of who we are?


So, before I draw this self-explorative bullshit to a close (that will be read by all of 3 people-- "Hi Dad!"), grant me the courtesy of saying one more thing, or suggesting something rather.  I was recently bowled over with inspiration by a film.  "Eat, Pray, Love," based on the novel by Elizabeth Gilbert, is an incredible journey that will make you laugh, make you cry, break your heart, mend your heart, and ultimately change your attitude toward life if you will let it.  I am usually not a big fan of film adaptations, especially since I read this book, but the movie gives the book a run for it's money.  Forget the cinematography or the elegant performance given by Julia Roberts, see it for the priceless, underlying messages it provides.


One particular piece from this film stuck with me and just so happens to be the title of this post.  It refers to missing someone.  Missing someone means there's a void that that person used to fill.  We allow that void to eat a whole in our heart and essentially take something away from us.  The quote, "So miss me... send me some light and love, and drop it," to me, means that you must acknowledge the void and then release it.  You can't focus on the temporary, emotional discomforts because there will always be things trying to burden you and break you throughout your entire life.  You simple can't carry that weight.  


Make time for this film.  It will be one to remember for always.


And let me leave you with one, last excerpt from "Eat, Pray, Love."  It's a good one.  Thanks for reading my blog and caring about my life.  I really wish I had time to write more of these because it can be quite cathartic.  Anyway, miss you all... and love you with every fiber of my being!


"A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It's called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus, the first true great emperor of Rome, built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it along with everything else.  It's one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome.  The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it.  Ruin is a gift.  Ruin is the road to transformation."

6 comments:

  1. I enjoyed reading this very much and I think you can officially say that more than 3 people will be reading this :) Your writing is awesome. I am so going to rent "Eat Pray Love" when it comes out on dvd, so thank you for the suggestion. Hope all is well it seems like you are having a wonderful journey over in Taiwan! xo

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  2. i will go see that movie asap. even though i have to say...missing someone...and a movie about rome...might make me cry for the next 2 weeks. but i'll take that chance.

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  3. Hi Katina, I am SOOOOO impressed with this post. You write so well that it's mesmerizing. I can picture the mountain, see the cliff (whoa) and hear the car. I'm so glad that you are enjoying this adventure. We miss you and are so proud of you for doing this. We brag about you continuously. So much so that people wonder if you are our daughter :-). I haven't seen the movie but it certainly sounds like something that Michelle would love (and I probably would too).

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  4. fabulous...are you sure you shouldn't be a writer?..you have the gift of words... you paint a picture.love aunt sharon

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  5. Lovely post. So proud of you for teaching in China and embracing new adventures.

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