For two months I have had no words. That's a lie. For two months I have made revision after revision on this entry, each time producing an end result drastically different from previous attempts. If that's any indication of where my head's at these days, it's the best one I've got.
Seriously? December shook me to the core. She literally threw me against the pavement... then made amends by revealing to me inexplicable beauty. As for January... I'll have to get back to you. January still has time to mess with me.
I reluctantly woke up this morning (reluctantly because it was 7am), dragged myself onto the balcony, took in a lungful of polluted air, and relished in my freedom, my city. Despite its horrendous drivers, cockroach-infested food stalls, beetlenut-stained streets, and questionable everything, I fully recognize it as my own. I've developed an allegiance to this city. We've formed a perfect symbiosis of sorts. I have surrendered everything to it-- my uncertainty, my hang-ups, my insecurities, everything I have ever known (which seems next to worthless now), and in return, I have been granted the invaluable gifts of perspective, renewal, and contentment.
Perhaps the most unsettling thing about making such a drastic move in your life is you can no longer count on the usual familiarities to define you. There are no expectations of you. No ghostly remnants of the past come to haunt you. There is absolutely no chance you will see your incompetent doctor or ex-friend you've been trying to shake off at the convenient store. You feel a little lighter. You realize that you have the power to go in any direction you want, to change direction as many times as you wish.
For the first time in my life, I truly understand the immense joy in being a nobody.
But what does it mean to be a nobody as opposed to a somebody or an anybody? I think these definitions are interesting. According to Oxford American Dictionaries:
Nobody- a person of no importance or authority (He was a nobody).
Somebody- a person of importance or authority (She was a somebody).
Anybody- a person of any importance (Everybody who was anybody came to the party).
I know we can be one, but can we be all three? How can we define ourselves with indefinites? And an even better question: why am I pondering this crap?
I'll tell you why. I was walking down the street the other day and disappeared. No one saw me, no one acknowledged me. I might have been able to walk through a few walls at the time. And what's worse is I kind of liked it... in a resigned, indifferent, free-bird kind of way. When you're nobody, you hurt no one. When you're nobody, your vibrations have no effect on anything. You have room to just be.
Would you really turn away from that? For what... the chance or, as I like to think of it, the risk of feeling what? If the world could promise me something, I'd drop everything..
Seriously? December shook me to the core. She literally threw me against the pavement... then made amends by revealing to me inexplicable beauty. As for January... I'll have to get back to you. January still has time to mess with me.
I reluctantly woke up this morning (reluctantly because it was 7am), dragged myself onto the balcony, took in a lungful of polluted air, and relished in my freedom, my city. Despite its horrendous drivers, cockroach-infested food stalls, beetlenut-stained streets, and questionable everything, I fully recognize it as my own. I've developed an allegiance to this city. We've formed a perfect symbiosis of sorts. I have surrendered everything to it-- my uncertainty, my hang-ups, my insecurities, everything I have ever known (which seems next to worthless now), and in return, I have been granted the invaluable gifts of perspective, renewal, and contentment. Perhaps the most unsettling thing about making such a drastic move in your life is you can no longer count on the usual familiarities to define you. There are no expectations of you. No ghostly remnants of the past come to haunt you. There is absolutely no chance you will see your incompetent doctor or ex-friend you've been trying to shake off at the convenient store. You feel a little lighter. You realize that you have the power to go in any direction you want, to change direction as many times as you wish.
For the first time in my life, I truly understand the immense joy in being a nobody.
But what does it mean to be a nobody as opposed to a somebody or an anybody? I think these definitions are interesting. According to Oxford American Dictionaries:
Nobody- a person of no importance or authority (He was a nobody).
Somebody- a person of importance or authority (She was a somebody).
Anybody- a person of any importance (Everybody who was anybody came to the party).
I know we can be one, but can we be all three? How can we define ourselves with indefinites? And an even better question: why am I pondering this crap?
I'll tell you why. I was walking down the street the other day and disappeared. No one saw me, no one acknowledged me. I might have been able to walk through a few walls at the time. And what's worse is I kind of liked it... in a resigned, indifferent, free-bird kind of way. When you're nobody, you hurt no one. When you're nobody, your vibrations have no effect on anything. You have room to just be.
Would you really turn away from that? For what... the chance or, as I like to think of it, the risk of feeling what? If the world could promise me something, I'd drop everything..
